I have decided to take it upon myself to go undercover into the lovely and mysterious world of boys. From the outside one may assume they are just naive thoughtless immature jerks who don’t know better than to throw dirty socks in their sisters faces, chase each other on the football pitches granting curses at each other or the golden one, by accident getting off with your best friend although they are soooooo sorry and love you soooo much and are desperate for a second chance, wait is that third, fifth?
I am aware of the dangers involved and have considered all the risks that may occur, and have decided to go through with the mission: to help all you clueless girls out there who are desperate for advice and whose friends may just be a little sick of hearing you moan about ‘why didn’t he call me back?’ or ‘he hasn’t spoken to me since the kiss...’ Therefore I am volunteering my time and advice so that boys can no longer use the excuse ‘It was a mistake,’ ‘it was just one time’ and get away with it. So please comment and ask, no matter how complicated or stupid you think you may sound. I am here for you, so enlighten me. And remember: Avoid the pain, defeat the game.
I have decided to start off by an update on all the history of my love life and my many different experiences involved in the quest for love. I hope you all learn from my mistakes, but if not... hell, it’s all part of the experience, right?
Boyfriend 1
Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start (for whoever felt like adding in some sound of music to the drama). I was getting so old and grey hairs and stretch marks were starting to develop, I was fourteen! And unless I got a boyfriend soon I would end up old and alone with no one to marry, with only a blind grey and black cat for company.
So in the days when msn still existed, Max and I would engross ourselves in very deep conversations which got as far as
Wassup?
Nm u?
Nm hows skl?
Good u?
Good.
So seeing as our conversations were going so well and we got on like a glove with a hand (I believe that’s the metaphor?) we decided that the next step was to develop a little crush on one another which obviously involved a middle party to encourage me to like him and him to ask me out. So one day our msn conversation got even deeper (who knew that was possible?) and little blondie decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. Man was I excited?
So I invited all my friends over and let them do my hair, make-up, choose my clothes and throw meaningless and complicated advice at me like ‘don’t get any spaghetti or messy food’ and ‘don’t text on the date’. And then the bell went and there he was standing at my door, while all my friends hid upstairs, watching me outside the window. And thus began the most awkward date in the universe of dates.
We had nothing to discuss, my pasta was so spicy that I couldn’t finish it and every second he had to pour me yet another glass of water. So after a successful night out my first official ‘boyfriend’ walked me home.
We stood awkwardly at the door way, both completely clueless on what happens next. and without warning, my hand goes up. We both paused in half-shock, eye-brows raised, staring blankly at my hand, until finally, max high fived me and walked off. I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath.
What an epic fail!
Looking back now I’m glad I can laugh at it, though I’ll be honest, a first date like that can truly traumatise you!
So? Now it’s your turn, tell me about your first boyfriends / first dates...
And soon I shall continue to post about my search for true love, or at least a descent relationship.
Keep reading. Peace out to all of you.
Mwa! xxxxxxxxxx
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